Chapter 1: How We Got to This Point

(Please read the post entitled "Welcome" before reading this one if you have not already)


Some of you may be asking at this point what it is that makes me any kind of authority on the subject of dating. Do I have professional training in date counseling? Do I have a PhD in relationship psychology? Do I have a degree in inter-gender, match-making, hook-up-with-someone-of-the-opposite-sex-ology?

The answer to all of those questions is a resounding no. Which is exactly why you should listen to me.

This all began, as does the usual saga of dating, when I was in high school. It was around this time, oddly enough, that women became very attractive to me. It was also at this time that I stumbled upon something that, while at first I viewed as a curse, now I see as a blessing; that I am a good listener.

If you are a woman and reading this, you are saying to yourself “how on earth could that be bad?? I would love for a man to be a good listener!” And if you're a guy and over thirty, you're saying “oh dude, I'm so sorry.”

It is at this very point of distinction between how the opposite sex views the beginning of a relationship where we begin our journey of unlocking some of the mystery. Because it is here, as I look back with blindingly-accurate hindsight, that I realize something deep and profound about women: they have a really hard time admitting what they want (okay ladies, be patient; there will be time for bashing on men later).

The break down occurs as such: women, by and large, when asked what they are looking for in a man, respond with a combination of traits which nearly always includes “sense of humor” and “good listener.” Yet when the opportunity for a relationship of some kind presents itself with a man who has these traits (case in point, the whimsical yet patient author of whose words you are currently reading), a woman's first thoughts are often that of friendship and nothing more. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard the “can we just be friends?” line because, as all of you men know, your heart stops keeping track of time at that moment, thus making it nearly impossible to keep track of the last time that it happened.

I was that guy in high school and for a couple solid years after. That was me. I developed crushes on girls and thought that the answer was to make them laugh and not only listen to what they had to say, but to genuinely care about it, as well. In no way was this the “wrong” thing to do; rather, it was simply what assured me a guaranteed spot in what we now know as “the friend zone.” And, as most guys over the age of about 25 are now painfully aware, once you're in the friend zone, you're probably not coming out of it.

So, a brief history of dating, showing us where we're at before we move forward:

Ancient times (anything before I Love Lucy): See attractive woman, take woman as wife.

I love Lucy era: Meet attractive woman, court said woman by dining, drinking, dancing, and snorting completely legal cocaine. Marry woman, get decent job selling war bonds, come home to freshly cooked food prepared by wife.

Brady Bunch era: Have several children with one wife, decide she is inadequate, acquire second wife who already has children, go to the office every day and do...office stuff, come home to freshly cooked food prepared by wife, maid, and children fighting.

Cosby Show era: Be a doctor, find woman who is a successful lawyer and marry her. Both spouses maintain professional careers and defy all possible odds by raising ridiculously well-adjusted children.

Seinfeld/Friends era: 99% of the population is un-datable and men are all cheaters.

At first when you read that, you may think to yourself that most of what I wrote has more to do with marriage than dating, except for the last part. To which I say: exactly.

See what happened? A couple of things, really. Some very good and some not so much. But how people view the dating scene is decidedly different, and it is mostly from the woman's perspective; men have, by and large, just had to adapt.

A hundred years ago, a woman would – whether she wanted to or not – most likely stay married to the same man until he either divorced her or died. He could be an abusive alcoholic or a womanizer and she would be the “good wife” and make it work. Those days, thankfully, are over. But in their place – in these days of a more liberated woman – we are all left scrambling to figure some things out. Yes, women are more independent and yes they make far more choices; sometimes, for inexplicable reasons, they even choose to be with someone like me.

So how do we adjust? Well, as alluded to above, that is a tough thing to do when women often do not know themselves what it is we should adjust to. This is not an insult to women; it is simply stating facts. As I said, there are many things men are guilty of, and most of them were embodied by Ted Kennedy.

That is, in a nutshell, what this blog is all about; a way to make fun of ourselves for the hypocrisies we commit in the name of this game called dating every day, and a way for the nice guys to feel better about the fact that they're not getting any.

Welcome

This blog is a joke. Sort of. It represents over twenty years of experience in the dating world (I'm 37 now, started dating approximately when I was 16, carry the 4, divide by pi...), most of which was spent with me being the “nice guy.” Suffice to say, I trusted too much what women had to say. I was the guy who listened when women said “I want a sensitive guy with a sense of humor.” As a result, I often ended up in what has been deemed by popular culture as “the friend zone.”

In some ways, this was not a bad thing; in fact, I would say I am glad that I made the choices I did. They brought me to where I am now (about to marry a ridiculously attractive woman who is incredibly intelligent, as well. Yay me!). However, my experiences have given me great insight into what women want – and, quite possibly more important, what they do not want.

This blog, in its essence, is more about a realistic view of dating today than it is just a guide for the nice guy. Or, more importantly, it is a tour of the dating world that you won't see in print; what the “experts” won't talk about because it goes against their PC nature.

In other words, this blog is about ugly; it is to show the ugly side of dating because what has been shown in the media over the last two decades – and subsequently acted out by devout followers of said media – fails to capture much of what makes men and women tick. Sure, you see what people consider ugly on popular television shows – cheating, backstabbing, lying, etc. – but what is not shown are the things people don't want to talk about because it is, figuratively speaking, a giant slap in the face to the last 30-plus years of women's rights movements.

OK, if you're a woman and your blood is starting to boil and you're ready to close this window down and storm out of the room, stop. Take a moment, breathe deep, and keep reading. I'm not here to bash women; on the contrary, I am here to set the record straight for their benefit, as well. You see, the lies we have all been led to believe don't just hurt the guys, they impede the progress of women who want to be treated with respect.

Take note of the fact that I did not use the word equal at the end of that last sentence. It was intentional. Does that sound chauvinistic? Arrogant? If so, this blog is for you, and it would do you good to keep reading. Preferably after sending me a check, because not doing so isn't helping me pay any bills. But I digress.

What this blog is not:

This blog is not boring. Love it, hate it, burn it, or praise it, you won't be bored. I swear. If you don't believe me, look it up. I'm pretty sure it's physically impossible to find it boring. Something to do with science and physics and quantum something-or-other.

What this blog is:

A ridiculously accurate look at men and women, and how women everywhere are ignoring the nice guy and nice guys everywhere are stupid enough to let them do it. This blog is not faulting solely men or women; it is an indictment of how the sexes interact (or fail to, on so many occasions). We as a society have allowed cultural bias and politically correct nonsensical babble to ruin what we, deep down, know to be true – that there are, in fact, inherent differences between men and women. And, not only that there are differences, but that there are similarities which, if left ignored, do untold damage to how we view the opposite sex.

What this blog also is:

It is a way for the nice guy to get in the pants of that hottie. I'm not going to lie to you, if I didn't have a theme like that, nobody would read it.

But also it is a chance for us to laugh not only at the ridiculousness that passes itself off as “knowledge” these days regarding dating (Cosmopolitan Magazine, I'm looking in your direction), but at ourselves, as well. We have reached a point in our culture where everyone is an expert, yet no one addresses the cold, hard reality that we are, in fact, all really stupid about dating. Well except for me. I'm not stupid, I'm writing this blog. How can a guy who writes a blog with fancy books in the background be stupid?